Here it is ending 2018 and I find myself changed. I haven't just been looking at the past year, but my entire life has been going through my mind lately. With all these thoughts and contemplation something changed in me. Its the type of change that mirrors the quote "actually, I just woke up one day and decided I didn't want to feel like that anymore, or ever again. So I changed. Just like that."
I feel like I have lived my entire life with my head in the clouds. I always found myself daydreaming.. it was a way for me to escape my reality and cope with whatever situation I was dealing with. I didn't recognize til recently that my daydreaming was more of a checking out. I haven't been living, I have been surviving. This is why I have too many times in my life found myself having issues with self love and self worth.
I have been to therapy, spoke with friends and loved ones, read articles and books, prayed, yet I never felt I could find the answers. I finally decided to take what I feared most, what held me back, what made me do things I was not happy doing and break them down. I broke down each fear by writing everything down that related to that fear. Why was that a fear? I then took each reason and broke it down until I realized, this wasn't an issue. When I had finished going through my list, I had nothing left in the end and finally concluding this was no fear at all.
Once I realized that I no longer needed to fear things, I started living. That day, was the first day I truthfully started to live and not just survive. That day was the day I learned that I didn't need to live with my head in the clouds anymore. I didn't need to check out, I needed to stay checked in. I needed to face the challenges life threw my way. NOTHING is big enough to break me.
Now let me get really personal.
A few months back I was officially diagnosed with PTSD.
I have like anyone else gone through trauma in my life. I have gone through challenges. I have gone through pain. Certain traumatic experiences from a young age trained me how to process trauma. I did not understand a lot of it and if you break down response as Fight or Flight I guess you could say that the Flight option is what I took. I would shut down, look for an escape, compartmentalize and numbly move on. Without knowing it I was doing this, and I continued to do this as I got older.
The more I compartmentalized, the more I would say "Its okay, its not that bad." With this response also came excuses. I have excused so much bad behavior in my life. I have put my worth so low on my priority list it has created self doubt, depression and the inability to set boundaries.
I went through a certain experience a little over a year ago. This experience was a defining experience in my life. It was defining for the very reason that I went to the darkest place you can go. I felt I had given up. I was lost, spinning, couldn't find the ground and broken. I have spent a year trying to process the pain and darkness and I have fallen short every single time. Then, just like the sun comes up and a new day starts, the pain was gone. The darkness was lifted and the light finally came in. It came in all at once and was so breath taking tears fell. I felt my heart swell and I finally was able to breath. The most surreal part was as confusing as the darkness was, the light has made it impossible to see why I ever needed to be in the dark to begin with.
Listen to me when I say "If something no longer serves you let it go." Listen to that, say it, and believe it. It doesn't matter what it is, if it isn't positive then its negative. Life will give its share amount of pain, tears, things we don't and sometimes may never understand. However I am a firm believer that "What god brings you to he will bring you through." Take a knee when you need to, but that is it. No giving up and laying down, just take a knee, catch your breath and move forward.
There are people in your life that will come and go, but each person serves their purpose rather small or big. Something I have learned is letting go isn't always the hardest part. Holding on when there is more bad than good can be harder than ever letting go. Only we as individuals can decide what serves us and what we need to let go of.
Another aspect of life is mercy. Forgiving is far more for your own benefit than it will ever be for the person or situation you are forgiving, When we have mercy and choose to forgive we let go of pain and free ourselves from chains that otherwise bound us. I have had to forgive a lot, but I couldn't forgive until I opened up what I compartmentalized, processed the pain I was avoiding and then let it go. This has been a very hard concept for me to grasp, but just as that light came in I learned to fully recognize my ability to process and forgive.
My entire life I have held on to things that didn't serve me. I did it as a reminder, as a shield (so I told myself) that was I couldn't get hurt again. I was wrong. I let too much hurt me for too long. I have ALWAYS been so afraid to be alone. I have struggled with co-dependency that led me to literally not be able to function unless I had someone else there. I couldn't break this addiction to have to have SOMEBODY, ANYBODY. When I removed almost all of my outlets and those I clearly depended on, that is when I realized my own potential. I no longer feel the consistent NEED to vent to, talk to, seek approval of others. I just know my strength. I am motivated and the goals I have in mind are not longer wants, but they are actions. I have put all things into motion because I can.
I have always had the ability and the strength. I have always been bigger than any and all things that have tried to break me. I am forgiving and when I love I do it with my whole heart. The only difference now is I can forgive, but I will not tolerate the negative, violent, degrading behavior I have spent my entire life enabling and compartmentalizing.
I finally feel complete, happy, and I look forward to each and every day. I am a mother of 3 perfect handsome boys and the most beautiful daughter. Each and every one of my kids are miracles as I was never supposed to be able to have kids. I wont waste the blessings they each are and the opportunity they have given me by choosing me to be their mom.
This is kind of all over the place, but that is okay too. In the end I feel happy and excited for the life I have ahead of me. The life that my family has deserved from me all along.
