This one is for him

This one is for him... yeah you know who you are. I decided its time that I write about you. You are in a simple word the most impacting person in my life. When I met you I still remember every thing about that moment. I'm not sure why, but somehow I knew you were important.

I was 14 years old... This kid decided to crush on me and to be honest, he seemed like a cute kid, but I was not interested. As time went on I could always find him in the halls at school. I would hear him yell my name every time he saw me. Also, he never let me down by not having the BIGGEST smile on his face. I mean the kind of smile that is contagious and makes anyone who sees it smile too. Can I add that he also had this big dimple on the ride side of that big smile that just added to the adorable contagious smile that it was! He was always there, ALWAYS! You know how sometimes you run into someone in public and then it happens again and you think " I always see you". Well, I ALWAYS saw him, everywhere! On the freeway driving past me, at the grocery store, on the side of the road in a random spot, he was always there.

As the years went on this guy became one of my very best friends. I could always talk to him about anything and he somehow just made things make sense. Even when I knew he liked me more than friends, he would still sit and listen to all my heartache that some boy was causing me. This guy never put him above me in that sense. I think back on it now and that must have been hard that he liked me so much and I just wanted to cry to him about another guy that wasn't at all deserving of my attention, let alone feelings. Again, he just never let me down. He was always there, always in my corner and always loving.

This one summer night he called me at 10:00pm and asked if he could stop by and talk to me. We were barely 18 and I remember my mom still had this strict curfew of being inside at 10 on work nights. I told him to come over anyway because I could tell he needed me. I remember sitting on the porch quietly waiting for him to pull up and just looking up at the stars. There is something about sitting on my front porch on a summer night and looking at the stars that has always given me this sense of peace and it makes everything around me go silent. Well as his truck pulled up the silence ended and I remember this next moment like it was yesterday. I walk up to his truck and I see the HOTTEST guy I think I have EVER seen step out of this truck. Dirty Provo City work shirt, dirty ripped jeans, tan, blue eyed guy wearing a dirty ball cap. OMG!!! I literally think I held my breath at that moment to hide my jaw from landing on my front lawn and making myself look like a complete idiot! Umm... how did I never realize how hot you were before? Ya'all have no idea how freaking surreal this moment was haha. He gave me a hug and said "Hey gorgeous" as he always did when he saw or talked to me. I of course hugged him back and said, "Hey how are you?" Although I am pretty sure in my head it was more like "Umm, hello you freaking sexy man!" NO JOKE!

We sat on my porch and started to talk about what he was going through at the time. Relationship problems with his on again off again girlfriend that he had just broken up with again. I never liked this girl, she was immature, undeserving of his anything and very self centered. I listened and I remember trying to comfort him and give him sound advice as he had done for me in any moments I spent crying over some loser. I remember wanting to tell him to just be with me at that moment, but I wasn't about to make this about me. I remember as he explained the fighting and how he felt I did say "you deserve someone who is capable of loving you the way you need to be loved. She is too immature to give you that." He left my house that night and we had planned to go out shooting that weekend to get out and do something. What happened next always made me wonder "what if?"

I went in my room and I sat there just spinning in how much I wanted to try and be with him. I don't know what in the world made me think I was brave enough to date the guy that had asked me to date him 100 times before and every time I friend zoned him. There was just something that happened this night that I started seeing him in a different light. I know I know, he was SUPER HOT, haha, but it was so much more than that. He has always been good looking, but again like I said, I went from looking at the stars to looking at him and barely breathing. So... I wrote this text.. It said something to the degree of "I wanted to tell you when you were here, but I was scared and didn't want to make this about me. I wanted to tell you that you deserve more, and I want to be the one that gives you that. I want to be with you and it took everything I had to not blurt that out while talking to you tonight. I know you have asked me over and over again, but I want to be with you! I more than care about you as a friend and although I am not ready to freak you out and write how I feel, I will say lets talk about it. What do you think?"

I fell asleep holding my phone that night wondering what he would say and freaking out that I actually sent that message. The next morning I woke up and at first was thinking that was a dream until my eyes got super wide and I realized that I actually did that!! I grabbed my phone scared of his response. I open his text messaged and seen the words "Message failed" WHAT!?!?! Well I took this as a sign that I should have never sent that message and I never will again! OMG, what if he would have read that? What if he would have been freaked out and never talked to me again? What if he would of jumped all over that chance? Well, I wouldn't know because OBVIOUSLY there was a reason that message didn't send when I had perfect service.

That weekend we went shooting as planned and he picked me up in his truck. While driving out to where we would be shooting his ex called and they argued a little and he told her had to go. I realized that he was going through a lot with her and if that message would of sent that was so selfish on my part. While driving back he said to me "Hey, I have been meaning to ask you something." ..uh-oh I thought! He said "I want to be with you. Will you date me?" I just sat there and then said, "I don't want to ruin our friendship. I just think that we need one another and I don't want to date and have that ruined." I could tell it made things awkward and inside I was like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" well.. I mean, I wanted to be with him too, but they were just fighting and I don't want to be a rebound. Also, I really meant what I said about our friendship. He was the guy that was ALWAYS there and I didn't want to date and then if it didn't work out we cant be friends. NOPE! Wont risk it!

Time went on and him and her got back together and him and I stayed friends and I moved on too. Funny thing though, we always were there for one another. We didn't talk every day, but we talked and hung out and we always were there in one way or another. Once again we found ourselves both single and both wanting to talk. We went to the reservoir in Spanish Fork and spent hours talking and flirting as we always did. I remember finding myself again wanting to be with him, but how do I tell him? I almost told him while we were there so many times! Him and I made a promise to one another that day. We both promised to not talk to our exes anymore. We went back to my house and ate taco bell that he bought. He walked outside to his truck and I sat there on the couch thinking that I was going to tell him this time, maybe ill just kiss him. Well, I noticed he was gone for a while so I walked out front and he was on my front lawn fighting with his ex on the phone again! UGH! I said "hang up or leave." He hung up and came inside, but after about 5 minutes he reminds me that he has work in the morning and has to go. Umm... okay!

We had plans to hang out that weekend, but the next day when I called there was no answer. The day after that when I called the same thing. Okay, finally its the day we planned to hang out and again, no answer. WTF! I called again and again and then I hear a whispered voice answer... "Hello?" -- "Hello? Why are you whispering?" I asked. He said he was in new mexico with his mom and her friend and they were sleeping. I instantly asked if his ex was with him. "yes." "Are you guys back together?" again.."yes" I basically hung up. Even now writing this, it hurts to think of how I felt in that moment. WHAT? I was the girl he always wanted to be with right? We promised not to talk to our ex's again. whatever! So, we didn't talk... for MONTHS!

fast forward and I had the day off work, it was a week day, but I couldn't tell you what day. My phone rang and it was him, "haha ballsy to call" I thought. I answered with attitude because I was still mad at him. He asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with him, Barry's in Spanish Fork. "Sure, come get me" I said because I lived in Provo. He explained to me only had an hour lunch and he worked in Spanish Fork. Well, I said, you better get driving if you want to go to lunch with me. I was seriously such a sassy bratt! He came and got me and drove me back to Spanish Fork to eat. I remember he paid for our lunch and we sat down and I asked him, what he needed to say? He said "I wanted to tell you, I am getting deployed to Iraq." What?! I never mentioned, but yeah, he was in the Army. I responded to him "Okay, don't die." Again, I am still upset with him and being a bratt. He said "I don't want to leave you and not tell you how I feel. I am sorry, I know I hurt you. I didn't want to deploy and not tell you that. I also don't want to deploy without telling you I want to be with you." WHAT!!?? I quickly lied and told him I had a boyfriend. oh, the game of cat and mouse was real with us.

About 6 weeks went by and I was on MSN Messenger and he signed in. We started talking and I discovered he was in Texas doing training for his deployment. I told him I had to tell him that I lied. I never had a boyfriend in which he responded, "I know." I told him I was just still hurt and mad from what happened. I told him that I did care about him and I was sorry that I acted like such a Bratt. He let me know it was okay, but seemed vague which was odd to me. I was telling him sorry, I was telling him I was single, but he didn't seem too enthusiastic about it all. I simply write, "are you and her back together?" Again, he responds with, "yes". okay, good luck on the deployment and with that relationship. UGGHHGHGHGHGHGHG!!! Seriously, EVERY DAMN TIME! Whatever, I was done with it.

This guy and I had the same group of friends and one night, a fewweeks later we all decided to go to a Provo High Football game even though we were all graduated. I remember meeting up with them all and some of them were in nice dress clothes. "Who died?" hahaha thats literally what I asked. They informed me they just came back from a wedding. Wedding? Whose wedding? HIS!! Ya'all, he got married to HER! WHAT!?!?!?!?!?! First of all, WHAT? I spoke to him weeks earlier and he never said a word to me about getting married. Also, I thought he was getting deployed? Why wasn't I invited to his wedding? Weren't we better friends than that? I cannot write this part without feeling dumbfounded just as I did in that moment. The other thing I realized in that moment is I was in love with a now married man! Literally, I cannot explain the irony of this entire situation. I mean this kid from 14 was smitten by me. I told him no over and over again as he asked me to be his girlfriend and now that I am in love with him he is married. I wanted to throw up and the hours I spent with my friends I just was very quiet. I didn't want them all to know I loved him, but my heart was broken. Then as we are driving up university avenue picture this. I am sitting in the truck with 4 guy friends and we come to a stop light and I look over and guess who is at that light? HIM!!! HIM & HER! I just flipped him off! LOL! He saw me and rolled his window up and sped off. I asked to go home after that, I was sick to my stomach. This was probably the first time I actually cried over him. I didn't feel mad or angry, I cried. Well that was the story of this guy...

3 months later I am having this long conversation with my best friend and it has to do with him. I had just broken up with a kid I was dating and I told her that I should have been with HIM all along. I should have just said yes any one of the times he asked me to be with him. I loved him and I realized it too late. Now he is married and who knows if I will ever even see or talk to him ever again. Her and I went back to my house and I logged into Myspace. HAHA, lets laugh about Myspace, oh the good old days. Well as I logged in I saw I had a message titled "hey gorgeous". My heart stopped beating I am pretty sure at that moment. I open it to read "Hey Gorgeous guess what? I'm getting divorced. I know you probably hate me, but I could really use my best friend." Life is crazy! I wrote back so fast and I told him I was here for him! He called me a day later and we talked and caught one another up on life. He told me he had seen my profile picture was of me and some guy, but it changed to just to me and so he hoped that meant I was single. I was single and so was he, kind of... we wrote e-mails every day to one another and that was the best part of each day. Then all of a sudden he stopped writing. I didn't get a call, an e-mail, NOTHING. 3 days went by and NOTHING, No communication. He was after all in Iraq so I thought the worst.

I ended up calling one of the friends we always hung out with together and talking to him about HIM. I wrote this guy one last e-mail and told him basically that I had feelings for him. I told him that I was stupid and didn't say it to him, but I should have told him years ago how I felt. THEN I was getting ready for work and it was 6am and my cell phone rang. I looked down to see the long calling card number that always showed up when he would call. I literally started to cry and I answered the phone. "Hey gorgeous!" I heard.. I said "What happened!?" He explained to me that everything was shut down and there was no communication in or out for days. He also told me that he was scared that I would think he was ignoring me and not talk to him. I asked him if he read my e-mail and he said no, he went straight to calling me as soon as he knew he could. I told him I needed to tell him something, but he insisted him first. What he said next changed my entire life.

"From the moment I first saw you freshman year everything just stopped. All I could see was you and I knew there was something different about you. I don't know how else to say this so I am just going to tell you. I love you. I am in love with you and I have been for 6 years and if you let me I will love you til the day I die." I just sat on my bed because my knees were weak and he took my breath away. I always laugh when I explain this because he then said: "This is usually the part where you say something back." haha I love you too I told him. I love you, I am in love with you and I should have told you forever ago. My e-mail explains it all, but I love you!! He said "do you want me to ask you out or ?" I said "No, we are together I am yours and you are mine." He told me if I could see him he had the biggest smile on his face and I made him the happiest man in the world. I just imagined that big smile with that dimple in my mind. He told me when he came home he wanted to take me camping and shooting and then he went into talking about when we are married. Woah- slow down soldier! We just started dating 2 minutes ago. He has always been that way though.

So there it was, this guy and I finally were together and finally had our shot at this thing called love. If I was to tell you that the rest was history and a fairy tale I would be lying. That was a hard deployment which came with HUGE life changes. His divorce was finalized shortly after he came home and that chapter of "HIM & HER" was finally closed. The thing of it is, that guy remained my best friend for years. We always ran to one another and we always no matter what happened found ourselves coming back to one another. He was just that person for me.

I don't know that he will ever read this, but this one is for HIM. The one person in my life that has always stuck with me. That best friend I always ran to and that safe haven. Its been 11 years since that time when we decided to be together. We were 19 year old kids and we had the world at our finger tips. I believe that our timing was perfect even though we spent years going back and forth. He needed me to help him get home and I needed him.

I wont talk about what happened after that because that's not what this blog is about. This one, this one is for him and how he became my person. This one is for him to see what I saw through my eyes. I hope this finds him and he can see himself as the amazing man he is. I hope he finds himself smiling because this world needs that contagious smile. I love that smile and that dimple. I still love that guy!

Ever wonder why?

Have you ever wondered why it is that every person around you seems to think you have it all together when you don't? That every other person around you admires you for your looks, for your work ethic or the type of parent you are? Have you found yourself wondering why it is that those around you can all see your accomplishments, but not you? Have you wondered why everyone else sees your potential that you lack to see in yourself? Have you found yourself wondering why it is that you want and see all these things in other people, but you don't realize that you already have it in yourself? That is the stuff I want to talk about. These are the things that need to be talked about, because that's what we're missing.

I want to take a second to talk about physical beauty. This is something I have struggled with in different ways. If I am going to be completely honest, and I am, I will be the first to admit that I am not ugly. I was blessed with long legs, that yes I complain about, but really know deep down they are a blessing. I have long pretty hair and a pretty face. I am not looked at in a negative light when it comes to my looks. I do not want to come across conceded, because although I can admit to what I just did, I am by far my biggest critic. I at times get so focused in on my physical looks that even when I can wear a size 1 in jeans its not good enough. Even when I can get a million compliments, I will still find a hundred reasons to disagree or find faults. I have always struggled with really loving myself. I have been told at times in my life when I am going though hard times that "You will be fine because your pretty." or "We don't ever worry if you will be okay because you are pretty." can I just say this has been the worst compliment I have ever received! I know, I get it.. poor me for being so pretty right? Yeah, it sounds so pathetic! Its a struggle that some may never get, but trust me when I say that I am much more than a pretty face and so maybe being recognized as more shouldn't be such a crazy desire. Look, we will always compare ourselves to people on tv, those gym barbies, models, etc.. What we don't see is that every person has their own story and struggle and maybe to look like that model we would never eat and when we did we would throw it all up. Maybe these girls will never have babies and their body sure as hell hasn't been through the weight gain and stretching that growing a child requires. Maybe you see the gym barbie that has kids, but we don't see all the late hours and early mornings she has put into making her physical health such a priority. We can ONLY be the best versions of ourselves! We can ONLY take what we were blessed with and make the most of it. Some girls will never have the long legs I have. Well believe it or not I have always wished I was shorter like you short girls because, well short is so much cuter. We always want what we don't have, but if we spent more time being thankful for what we have, we would have less time to sulk about wanting it different. Now ladies, do not hold yourself back by what I just said. If you want to be healthier, DO IT. If you want to make more money or travel or take chances you are scared to take, DO IT. I am in no way saying don't dream big, I am just saying dream big while loving yourself. There is only 1 of you.

I have been going to therapy for the last year of my life and it has been the best decision I ever made. I remember listening to a podcast recently where a girl said "Nobody wants to go to therapy. Nobody wants to go in a room, sit on a couch and talk about how messed up they are." HA! I literally raised my hand like a student in class while alone in my bathroom and yelled "I DO!" I do because I love getting things out. I love learning about why I feel the way I do. I love getting the chance to hear a completely unbiased individual put me in my place and tell me I am playing the victim in my own story. What? Crazy right? For me, it brings clarity and I absolutely love being told when I am messing up. Now I know that I am a very small percentage that feels this way or will ever say it out loud. The fact is, sometimes it takes us losing everything to gain clarity. I would rather just open my mind up enough to see it without the trauma. Not saying that I haven't been through the trauma or why the heck else would I be sitting in therapy? All I am getting at is be open to hearing that maybe the way you handled that fight wasn't the most productive. Maybe the judgement you cast on another person was completely wrong. Listen, nobody will agree with everything you do, that is why we all get to have our own opinions and thoughts. Its the amazing thing about life and meeting friends.

Okay, back to my opening paragraph. Why do we deny ourselves the love that we so freely give to others? Why do we beat ourselves down when we tell our best friend not to? Why do we raise hell when somebody we love is being treated poorly, but we accept it? Why do we seem to think that others deserve better than us?!? I think this all comes down to the inability to truly love ourselves. We as humans all have triggers. I found recently that I compartmentalize. Well, if the compartments were like coffins and I thought that each issue was something I was going to bury away like bodies in a cemetery then let me be the first to admit I am getting haunted. That is what anxiety is right? The ghost of each problem you push deep down coming back to haunt you until you give it peace so it can cross over. I know crazy way to explain it, but really think about it. The fact that I get "Triggered" is proof that there was no resolution to a previous battle. Anxiety ties back to insecurities which tie back to why we aren't loving ourselves and why we aren't seeing our worth. If we can start to find our triggers and understand them then we can change our position with them. We can do preventative care.

One thing I am doing now is going to the gym, its not just a physical relief, but it is also preventative care. When I can stay focused on things I enjoy, It makes me feel better. When I am in a good state of mind then I can tell those trigger, nope. I can change my process of how I react to situations. Then when you aren't being triggered and feeling down, you are loving you. When you love you, you can accept those compliments rather than find reasons to disagree. The reality is we all have different talents, different passions, different life styles, but we can all be successful. You can be happy and when you are really taking the time to be thankful for all you have and are, you don't have time to be negative.

We aren't doing enough preventative care\self care. This is something we have all been told was important, but how many of us really take the time to do it? I am a mother of 4, I have a full time job and I am the corporate office manager for a very successful company with hundreds of employees. I have kids with homework and breaking up fights. Dr. appointments, school functions, work events,dinners, house work and of course my husband also works full time. However, I find time to go to the gym almost every day. I take a long bath. I practice meditation and go to therapy once a week as well. The point of all this is, you make time for what is important. Really everything you have in your life that you do or don't like is something you are allowing to be there. If you are not at the top of your priority list, then you cant keep everything else together. I have been a mom for over 10 years and I just finally realized this. Self love isn't having a big head and obsessing over yourself. Self love is about taking care of your needs so you can take care of others. Self love is not putting others worth above your own. Just as if you want someone to really respect you, you first have to respect yourself. You cant put others worth above yours and not find yourself questioning your own worth. Know your worth, know your boundaries and make yourself a priority.

Take the time right now to write down what preventative care you do. What do you do for you to make you a priority? If you don't know or you don't do anything for you, change it. I cannot stress this enough, if you do not take care of you then you cannot take care of everyone and everything else you need to. If you cannot afford therapy then do me a favor and find the common trigger to all of your anxiety. Take time to love yourself and I promise you that you will stop comparing yourself to everyone else. You will start to acknowledge your accomplishments and you will know your worth.

Have to start somewhere

Here it is ending 2018 and I find myself changed. I haven't just been looking at the past year, but my entire life has been going through my mind lately. With all these thoughts and contemplation something changed in me. Its the type of change that mirrors the quote "actually, I just woke up one day and decided I didn't want to feel like that anymore, or ever again. So I changed. Just like that."

I feel like I have lived my entire life with my head in the clouds. I always found myself daydreaming.. it was a way for me to escape my reality and cope with whatever situation I was dealing with. I didn't recognize til recently that my daydreaming was more of a checking out. I haven't been living, I have been surviving. This is why I have too many times in my life found myself having issues with self love and self worth.

I have been to therapy, spoke with friends and loved ones, read articles and books, prayed, yet I never felt I could find the answers. I finally decided to take what I feared most, what held me back, what made me do things I was not happy doing and break them down. I broke down each fear by writing everything down that related to that fear. Why was that a fear? I then took each reason and broke it down until I realized, this wasn't an issue. When I had finished going through my list, I had nothing left in the end and finally concluding this was no fear at all.

Once I realized that I no longer needed to fear things, I started living. That day, was the first day I truthfully started to live and not just survive. That day was the day I learned that I didn't need to live with my head in the clouds anymore. I didn't need to check out, I needed to stay checked in. I needed to face the challenges life threw my way. NOTHING is big enough to break me.

Now let me get really personal.
A few months back I was officially diagnosed with PTSD.
I have like anyone else gone through trauma in my life. I have gone through challenges. I have gone through pain. Certain traumatic experiences from a young age trained me how to process trauma. I did not understand a lot of it and if you break down response as Fight or Flight I guess you could say that the Flight option is what I took. I would shut down, look for an escape, compartmentalize and numbly move on. Without knowing it I was doing this, and I continued to do this as I got older.
The more I compartmentalized, the more I would say "Its okay, its not that bad." With this response also came excuses. I have excused so much bad behavior in my life. I have put my worth so low on my priority list it has created self doubt, depression and the inability to set boundaries.

I went through a certain experience a little over a year ago. This experience was a defining experience in my life. It was defining for the very reason that I went to the darkest place you can go. I felt I had given up. I was lost, spinning, couldn't find the ground and broken. I have spent a year trying to process the pain and darkness and I have fallen short every single time. Then, just like the sun comes up and a new day starts, the pain was gone. The darkness was lifted and the light finally came in. It came in all at once and was so breath taking tears fell. I felt my heart swell and I finally was able to breath. The most surreal part was as confusing as the darkness was, the light has made it impossible to see why I ever needed to be in the dark to begin with.

Listen to me when I say "If something no longer serves you let it go." Listen to that, say it, and believe it. It doesn't matter what it is, if it isn't positive then its negative. Life will give its share amount of pain, tears, things we don't and sometimes may never understand. However I am a firm believer that "What god brings you to he will bring you through." Take a knee when you need to, but that is it. No giving up and laying down, just take a knee, catch your breath and move forward.

There are people in your life that will come and go, but each person serves their purpose rather small or big. Something I have learned is letting go isn't always the hardest part. Holding on when there is more bad than good can be harder than ever letting go. Only we as individuals can decide what serves us and what we need to let go of.

Another aspect of life is mercy. Forgiving is far more for your own benefit than it will ever be for the person or situation you are forgiving, When we have mercy and choose to forgive we let go of pain and free ourselves from chains that otherwise bound us. I have had to forgive a lot, but I couldn't forgive until I opened up what I compartmentalized, processed the pain I was avoiding and then let it go. This has been a very hard concept for me to grasp, but just as that light came in I learned to fully recognize my ability to process and forgive.

My entire life I have held on to things that didn't serve me. I did it as a reminder, as a shield (so I told myself) that was I couldn't get hurt again. I was wrong. I let too much hurt me for too long. I have ALWAYS been so afraid to be alone. I have struggled with co-dependency that led me to literally not be able to function unless I had someone else there. I couldn't break this addiction to have to have SOMEBODY, ANYBODY. When I removed almost all of my outlets and those I clearly depended on, that is when I realized my own potential. I no longer feel the consistent NEED to vent to, talk to, seek approval of others. I just know my strength. I am motivated and the goals I have in mind are not longer wants, but they are actions. I have put all things into motion because I can.

I have always had the ability and the strength. I have always been bigger than any and all things that have tried to break me. I am forgiving and when I love I do it with my whole heart. The only difference now is I can forgive, but I will not tolerate the negative, violent, degrading behavior I have spent my entire life enabling and compartmentalizing.

I finally feel complete, happy, and I look forward to each and every day. I am a mother of 3 perfect handsome boys and the most beautiful daughter. Each and every one of my kids are miracles as I was never supposed to be able to have kids. I wont waste the blessings they each are and the opportunity they have given me by choosing me to be their mom.

This is kind of all over the place, but that is okay too. In the end I feel happy and excited for the life I have ahead of me. The life that my family has deserved from me all along.