This one is for him

This one is for him... yeah you know who you are. I decided its time that I write about you. You are in a simple word the most impacting person in my life. When I met you I still remember every thing about that moment. I'm not sure why, but somehow I knew you were important.

I was 14 years old... This kid decided to crush on me and to be honest, he seemed like a cute kid, but I was not interested. As time went on I could always find him in the halls at school. I would hear him yell my name every time he saw me. Also, he never let me down by not having the BIGGEST smile on his face. I mean the kind of smile that is contagious and makes anyone who sees it smile too. Can I add that he also had this big dimple on the ride side of that big smile that just added to the adorable contagious smile that it was! He was always there, ALWAYS! You know how sometimes you run into someone in public and then it happens again and you think " I always see you". Well, I ALWAYS saw him, everywhere! On the freeway driving past me, at the grocery store, on the side of the road in a random spot, he was always there.

As the years went on this guy became one of my very best friends. I could always talk to him about anything and he somehow just made things make sense. Even when I knew he liked me more than friends, he would still sit and listen to all my heartache that some boy was causing me. This guy never put him above me in that sense. I think back on it now and that must have been hard that he liked me so much and I just wanted to cry to him about another guy that wasn't at all deserving of my attention, let alone feelings. Again, he just never let me down. He was always there, always in my corner and always loving.

This one summer night he called me at 10:00pm and asked if he could stop by and talk to me. We were barely 18 and I remember my mom still had this strict curfew of being inside at 10 on work nights. I told him to come over anyway because I could tell he needed me. I remember sitting on the porch quietly waiting for him to pull up and just looking up at the stars. There is something about sitting on my front porch on a summer night and looking at the stars that has always given me this sense of peace and it makes everything around me go silent. Well as his truck pulled up the silence ended and I remember this next moment like it was yesterday. I walk up to his truck and I see the HOTTEST guy I think I have EVER seen step out of this truck. Dirty Provo City work shirt, dirty ripped jeans, tan, blue eyed guy wearing a dirty ball cap. OMG!!! I literally think I held my breath at that moment to hide my jaw from landing on my front lawn and making myself look like a complete idiot! Umm... how did I never realize how hot you were before? Ya'all have no idea how freaking surreal this moment was haha. He gave me a hug and said "Hey gorgeous" as he always did when he saw or talked to me. I of course hugged him back and said, "Hey how are you?" Although I am pretty sure in my head it was more like "Umm, hello you freaking sexy man!" NO JOKE!

We sat on my porch and started to talk about what he was going through at the time. Relationship problems with his on again off again girlfriend that he had just broken up with again. I never liked this girl, she was immature, undeserving of his anything and very self centered. I listened and I remember trying to comfort him and give him sound advice as he had done for me in any moments I spent crying over some loser. I remember wanting to tell him to just be with me at that moment, but I wasn't about to make this about me. I remember as he explained the fighting and how he felt I did say "you deserve someone who is capable of loving you the way you need to be loved. She is too immature to give you that." He left my house that night and we had planned to go out shooting that weekend to get out and do something. What happened next always made me wonder "what if?"

I went in my room and I sat there just spinning in how much I wanted to try and be with him. I don't know what in the world made me think I was brave enough to date the guy that had asked me to date him 100 times before and every time I friend zoned him. There was just something that happened this night that I started seeing him in a different light. I know I know, he was SUPER HOT, haha, but it was so much more than that. He has always been good looking, but again like I said, I went from looking at the stars to looking at him and barely breathing. So... I wrote this text.. It said something to the degree of "I wanted to tell you when you were here, but I was scared and didn't want to make this about me. I wanted to tell you that you deserve more, and I want to be the one that gives you that. I want to be with you and it took everything I had to not blurt that out while talking to you tonight. I know you have asked me over and over again, but I want to be with you! I more than care about you as a friend and although I am not ready to freak you out and write how I feel, I will say lets talk about it. What do you think?"

I fell asleep holding my phone that night wondering what he would say and freaking out that I actually sent that message. The next morning I woke up and at first was thinking that was a dream until my eyes got super wide and I realized that I actually did that!! I grabbed my phone scared of his response. I open his text messaged and seen the words "Message failed" WHAT!?!?! Well I took this as a sign that I should have never sent that message and I never will again! OMG, what if he would have read that? What if he would have been freaked out and never talked to me again? What if he would of jumped all over that chance? Well, I wouldn't know because OBVIOUSLY there was a reason that message didn't send when I had perfect service.

That weekend we went shooting as planned and he picked me up in his truck. While driving out to where we would be shooting his ex called and they argued a little and he told her had to go. I realized that he was going through a lot with her and if that message would of sent that was so selfish on my part. While driving back he said to me "Hey, I have been meaning to ask you something." ..uh-oh I thought! He said "I want to be with you. Will you date me?" I just sat there and then said, "I don't want to ruin our friendship. I just think that we need one another and I don't want to date and have that ruined." I could tell it made things awkward and inside I was like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" well.. I mean, I wanted to be with him too, but they were just fighting and I don't want to be a rebound. Also, I really meant what I said about our friendship. He was the guy that was ALWAYS there and I didn't want to date and then if it didn't work out we cant be friends. NOPE! Wont risk it!

Time went on and him and her got back together and him and I stayed friends and I moved on too. Funny thing though, we always were there for one another. We didn't talk every day, but we talked and hung out and we always were there in one way or another. Once again we found ourselves both single and both wanting to talk. We went to the reservoir in Spanish Fork and spent hours talking and flirting as we always did. I remember finding myself again wanting to be with him, but how do I tell him? I almost told him while we were there so many times! Him and I made a promise to one another that day. We both promised to not talk to our exes anymore. We went back to my house and ate taco bell that he bought. He walked outside to his truck and I sat there on the couch thinking that I was going to tell him this time, maybe ill just kiss him. Well, I noticed he was gone for a while so I walked out front and he was on my front lawn fighting with his ex on the phone again! UGH! I said "hang up or leave." He hung up and came inside, but after about 5 minutes he reminds me that he has work in the morning and has to go. Umm... okay!

We had plans to hang out that weekend, but the next day when I called there was no answer. The day after that when I called the same thing. Okay, finally its the day we planned to hang out and again, no answer. WTF! I called again and again and then I hear a whispered voice answer... "Hello?" -- "Hello? Why are you whispering?" I asked. He said he was in new mexico with his mom and her friend and they were sleeping. I instantly asked if his ex was with him. "yes." "Are you guys back together?" again.."yes" I basically hung up. Even now writing this, it hurts to think of how I felt in that moment. WHAT? I was the girl he always wanted to be with right? We promised not to talk to our ex's again. whatever! So, we didn't talk... for MONTHS!

fast forward and I had the day off work, it was a week day, but I couldn't tell you what day. My phone rang and it was him, "haha ballsy to call" I thought. I answered with attitude because I was still mad at him. He asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with him, Barry's in Spanish Fork. "Sure, come get me" I said because I lived in Provo. He explained to me only had an hour lunch and he worked in Spanish Fork. Well, I said, you better get driving if you want to go to lunch with me. I was seriously such a sassy bratt! He came and got me and drove me back to Spanish Fork to eat. I remember he paid for our lunch and we sat down and I asked him, what he needed to say? He said "I wanted to tell you, I am getting deployed to Iraq." What?! I never mentioned, but yeah, he was in the Army. I responded to him "Okay, don't die." Again, I am still upset with him and being a bratt. He said "I don't want to leave you and not tell you how I feel. I am sorry, I know I hurt you. I didn't want to deploy and not tell you that. I also don't want to deploy without telling you I want to be with you." WHAT!!?? I quickly lied and told him I had a boyfriend. oh, the game of cat and mouse was real with us.

About 6 weeks went by and I was on MSN Messenger and he signed in. We started talking and I discovered he was in Texas doing training for his deployment. I told him I had to tell him that I lied. I never had a boyfriend in which he responded, "I know." I told him I was just still hurt and mad from what happened. I told him that I did care about him and I was sorry that I acted like such a Bratt. He let me know it was okay, but seemed vague which was odd to me. I was telling him sorry, I was telling him I was single, but he didn't seem too enthusiastic about it all. I simply write, "are you and her back together?" Again, he responds with, "yes". okay, good luck on the deployment and with that relationship. UGGHHGHGHGHGHGHG!!! Seriously, EVERY DAMN TIME! Whatever, I was done with it.

This guy and I had the same group of friends and one night, a fewweeks later we all decided to go to a Provo High Football game even though we were all graduated. I remember meeting up with them all and some of them were in nice dress clothes. "Who died?" hahaha thats literally what I asked. They informed me they just came back from a wedding. Wedding? Whose wedding? HIS!! Ya'all, he got married to HER! WHAT!?!?!?!?!?! First of all, WHAT? I spoke to him weeks earlier and he never said a word to me about getting married. Also, I thought he was getting deployed? Why wasn't I invited to his wedding? Weren't we better friends than that? I cannot write this part without feeling dumbfounded just as I did in that moment. The other thing I realized in that moment is I was in love with a now married man! Literally, I cannot explain the irony of this entire situation. I mean this kid from 14 was smitten by me. I told him no over and over again as he asked me to be his girlfriend and now that I am in love with him he is married. I wanted to throw up and the hours I spent with my friends I just was very quiet. I didn't want them all to know I loved him, but my heart was broken. Then as we are driving up university avenue picture this. I am sitting in the truck with 4 guy friends and we come to a stop light and I look over and guess who is at that light? HIM!!! HIM & HER! I just flipped him off! LOL! He saw me and rolled his window up and sped off. I asked to go home after that, I was sick to my stomach. This was probably the first time I actually cried over him. I didn't feel mad or angry, I cried. Well that was the story of this guy...

3 months later I am having this long conversation with my best friend and it has to do with him. I had just broken up with a kid I was dating and I told her that I should have been with HIM all along. I should have just said yes any one of the times he asked me to be with him. I loved him and I realized it too late. Now he is married and who knows if I will ever even see or talk to him ever again. Her and I went back to my house and I logged into Myspace. HAHA, lets laugh about Myspace, oh the good old days. Well as I logged in I saw I had a message titled "hey gorgeous". My heart stopped beating I am pretty sure at that moment. I open it to read "Hey Gorgeous guess what? I'm getting divorced. I know you probably hate me, but I could really use my best friend." Life is crazy! I wrote back so fast and I told him I was here for him! He called me a day later and we talked and caught one another up on life. He told me he had seen my profile picture was of me and some guy, but it changed to just to me and so he hoped that meant I was single. I was single and so was he, kind of... we wrote e-mails every day to one another and that was the best part of each day. Then all of a sudden he stopped writing. I didn't get a call, an e-mail, NOTHING. 3 days went by and NOTHING, No communication. He was after all in Iraq so I thought the worst.

I ended up calling one of the friends we always hung out with together and talking to him about HIM. I wrote this guy one last e-mail and told him basically that I had feelings for him. I told him that I was stupid and didn't say it to him, but I should have told him years ago how I felt. THEN I was getting ready for work and it was 6am and my cell phone rang. I looked down to see the long calling card number that always showed up when he would call. I literally started to cry and I answered the phone. "Hey gorgeous!" I heard.. I said "What happened!?" He explained to me that everything was shut down and there was no communication in or out for days. He also told me that he was scared that I would think he was ignoring me and not talk to him. I asked him if he read my e-mail and he said no, he went straight to calling me as soon as he knew he could. I told him I needed to tell him something, but he insisted him first. What he said next changed my entire life.

"From the moment I first saw you freshman year everything just stopped. All I could see was you and I knew there was something different about you. I don't know how else to say this so I am just going to tell you. I love you. I am in love with you and I have been for 6 years and if you let me I will love you til the day I die." I just sat on my bed because my knees were weak and he took my breath away. I always laugh when I explain this because he then said: "This is usually the part where you say something back." haha I love you too I told him. I love you, I am in love with you and I should have told you forever ago. My e-mail explains it all, but I love you!! He said "do you want me to ask you out or ?" I said "No, we are together I am yours and you are mine." He told me if I could see him he had the biggest smile on his face and I made him the happiest man in the world. I just imagined that big smile with that dimple in my mind. He told me when he came home he wanted to take me camping and shooting and then he went into talking about when we are married. Woah- slow down soldier! We just started dating 2 minutes ago. He has always been that way though.

So there it was, this guy and I finally were together and finally had our shot at this thing called love. If I was to tell you that the rest was history and a fairy tale I would be lying. That was a hard deployment which came with HUGE life changes. His divorce was finalized shortly after he came home and that chapter of "HIM & HER" was finally closed. The thing of it is, that guy remained my best friend for years. We always ran to one another and we always no matter what happened found ourselves coming back to one another. He was just that person for me.

I don't know that he will ever read this, but this one is for HIM. The one person in my life that has always stuck with me. That best friend I always ran to and that safe haven. Its been 11 years since that time when we decided to be together. We were 19 year old kids and we had the world at our finger tips. I believe that our timing was perfect even though we spent years going back and forth. He needed me to help him get home and I needed him.

I wont talk about what happened after that because that's not what this blog is about. This one, this one is for him and how he became my person. This one is for him to see what I saw through my eyes. I hope this finds him and he can see himself as the amazing man he is. I hope he finds himself smiling because this world needs that contagious smile. I love that smile and that dimple. I still love that guy!